Have you ever felt like you were the only single person in the world? Like everyone had a crush or a boyfriend or a fiancee or a husband except you? Well, today was one of those days. I woke up so dag gone tired from this week that all i wanted to do was pull the comforter over my head and sleep the day away. However, with the sun fighting to dance on my carpet instead of my walls and eyes, I rolled out and let the sun win. Besides, with work looming over my head at 4pm til 9pm, i HAD to get something accomplished before i had to wait on customers at the ever-joyous cvs counter...sarcasm intended ;]...
Wellll....I hardly accomplished anything, mostly because i was so wiped out! I had a huge essay due yesterday for AP English and i was up until 1am that morning finishing it, knowing i had to be up again in 5 1/2 hours. ah well, it got done. then a huge spanish test and after that NHS induction practice and finally (yes, finally) softball practice. Worked my tail off, because i needed the batting practice.
So, exhausted and weary i decided not to do anything more than what was absolutely necessary and instead, plopped on the couch to watch, what else? wedding shows. Usually, i'm okay with the wedding shows. They're so fun and you're on the edge of your couch, sofa, recliner, armchair, whatever you want to call your seat, biting your nails, wondering if the wedding planner will get everything done by the time the bride and groom need to see the venue! *takes breath* Oh, the suspense!!!..again, sarcasm ;]...Usually, i'm fine being single and watching other people fulfill their happiness with each other. But not today.
I was texting my friend about this guy she swears i like. We've been talking for almost two years now, this boy and me, and a few months back i wouldve probably said "yes. I do indeed like him! Oh my gosh, he's so cute...blah.blah.blah" but now the few months have ended and i'm sitting here, realizing that i've flip flopped so many times on this boy it's like i was jack-be-nimble and he was the candlestick. I'd jump to the side where it was all lovey dovey and i would flirt [pathetic] but a few weeks later i'd jump to the other side of the stick where it's strictly friendship. It's dawned on me for a few days now that though i've liked guys while talking to him and he's liked girls while talking to me, the funny thing is, he's been a constant in my life guy- wise (potential boyfriend wise). He's always been there to talk or laugh or have a totally abnormal conversation...yes, i think we've had a few conversations that were about NOTHING! That's a friend right? So why am i debating with my heart and mind? Probably because i have a feeling i like him but havent done anything about it because 1) he's not interested in me like that, so why make it awkward? 2) he goes to a different school with probably cooler girls than little ol me and 3) the BIG factor: he's not a christian.
#3 is very important to me. I've wanted to go after him, but i can't...actually #3 and the fact that he's chasing after other girls is probably why i haven't said anything. no not probably i'm dead sure.
I have this curse of making things awkward, especially when i have a feeling everything's fine and he's wondering if i like him just as he likes me...okay, so i imagine he likes me...so when i tell these guys, they get freaked out or suddenly shy, which makes me freak out and ignore them. yea...there's a flaw of mine...so you can now understand my hesitation. my underlying reason: i don't want to screw up what we've been developing over something so...stupid.
they're just feelings i have right? they're nothing. okay, amanda. just think, you'll be out of new jersey so you shouldnt really do anything...stay single.
stay single. seems like that's been my answer for a long time...a very, very long time. just..when will my time come?
