And the decision is....

This week was GO! Week. GO! Week is a convo event that happens all week and on friday (today) students have the opportunity to sign up for different mission trips. The trips are when Spring and Fall break occur.

I went to almost all the events. I skipped this morning because i overslept. Well, I wanted to know where God wanted me to minister. I thought there was only gonna be one trip that everyone would sign up for. Not true! There was an entire page of choices!! Chicago, LA, NYC, South Dakota, Georgia, and Jamaica. The last one I would've signed up for had it not been a financial strain. I ruled that one out. Georgia was Habitat for Humanity but i can't do power tools haha. God just didn't give me that skill which is fine! haha. NYC I've been to and while it would be pretty cool to be close to home, I wanted somewhere different. LA is too far away let alone expensive...so it was a toss-up between Chicago and South Dakota.

I've always had a heart for the homeless. Every time I go to nyc, i feel bad about the homeless people and wonder why i'm so blessed. This was why i was debating Chicago. The whole point of the trip was that we would help in the soup kitchens and the community.

The team that went to South Dakota would go on the Oglala Sioux Indian Reservation and help plant a garden and the community with whatever had to be done. As soon as i read this, faces flashed into my mind. Women with braids held children in their arms, their faces slightly wrinkled, their mouths in a straight line. I wondered if i should go there.

I thought i would go to Chicago. I've never been there and because my heart goes out to homeless people I thought I would help out. I e-mailed my parents to pray about it and help me make a decision...

Last night, I went to bed and didn't have a good feeling about Chicago. The area is a dangerous place and though i have been in el salvador, zone 6 (worse zone ever), it still is dangerous. I would meet homeless people and hear their stories but, I think if I go to Chicago, I wouldn't come back with anything. Yea, I would help people in the name of Jesus but, I don't think I would be complete if i went there.

Having this in my mind, I called my mom. She and my dad thought South Dakota would be something different, that it would be a culture shock but in the confinds of America. "The homeless have shelters and soup kitchens," my mom said. "What do the Native Americans have? I think you would get a better appreciation for their culture and your blessings if you went there."

I've thought about it and signed myself up for a trip. I chose.....

South Dakota.

The faces in my mind are what really drew me to SD. Maybe that was God telling me where to go. I know I would be blessed anywhere I went because it's missions work and I love helping the unfortunate. I just want to make sure He's with me from the decision making to the end of the trip. So, South Dakota is where I'm headed come March 7-14. I'm really excited and can't wait to see what God will do in my life and the Oglala Sioux Indian's lives.

That's big!

After convo, martha went to class (her later class got cancelled because of the light snow but not her early class? what?) and lauren and i went to the caf. We were both STARVING so we got our sandwhiches, peas, carrots, I had corn too, and bananas and went to sit in a booth. We started talking about everything under the sun practically and then I began talking about him. Obviously. Lauren asked about how he was and how that whole situation is going. I told her something that's been in the back of my mind and, until Sunday night, I had only told Ash.

"When you've been with a guy, have you ever felt like there has to be something more? That this guy you're with can't be the one. There has to be something better?"

Lauren nodded her head and was like "yea, totally. I always think that."

I swallowed.

I said, "Well, when I'm with him, I can't see myself with anyone else."

Her eyes got all big and she nodded her head with a smile on her face and said, "Amanda...that's big."

"I know! Which is why it scares me! Like, what if nothing happens between us or anything and what if nothing becomes of this and it's all one way, then what?"

We figured if it's going to be, it will be. I said "I know my heart well enough that it wouldn't feel like that if there wasn't something to be gained from this. Like, my heart isn't like that. My mind is, but not my heart."

Even if something did come from me liking him, the thought of him being like the one kinda scares me. There's like this 'defining moment' when we get together that he's what i was searching for, for the past, I don't know 3 or 4 years? I know it's not a long time but seriously, I can't see myself with anyone else. I had crushes before but I wanted something more. I know i mentioned this in one of my older posts but now i'm harping on it.

My mom always reassures me, whatever will be, will be. Is he that 'be'?

In a way, I'm happy. I'm happy that I probably won't hurt anymore, that I've finally found someone. Maybe he isn't mine just yet but there are so many signs that he is, it's not even funny. The only thing I'm wary about is that my journey is over. It's like running to the finish line. The tape is in sight but it's kind of bittersweet because, it's over. The toil, sweat, tears, heartbreak, heart bruising, is over. Not to say I had a joy in that but knowing all that stuff will go away...I don't know, it sort of feels like I'm losing a part of myself, a part of my past. I know the past doesn't define you, that you can make your future better no matter what, but that's what defined me. I was a self-wounding soul. No, I didn't cut or anything like that. EW! but i did put myself in situations where I liked a guy when I knew nothing could or would come out of it. But I did it anyway because without liking a guy, I felt normal. I wanted the butterflies, I wanted someone to talk about with my friends. I wanted someone to admire and want. However, I don't get butterflies, whenever I talk about him to my friends they want me to ask him out, and I truly do want him but not in the sense of "oh my gosh! I have to have you" like he's a new toy or something. I'm trusting the Lord and because of that, I know He has already worked it out and knows what will become of me and him. Because of this reassurance I can live life and not read so much into things. However, when the 'coincidences' happen, it's hard not to notice them. But, I don't think the 'coincidences' are coincidences anymore...

I think it's that woman's intuition thing that I sorta believed in but now I'm completely convinced. I'm trusting in God to see me through this and there isn't a day goes by that i'm not thinking about him. I then go and pray for him, for his studies, and for this situation. God knows the desires of my heart and I feel like, finally, i've found the guy God was talking about giving me. He told me a long time ago to hang in there, that He had a better guy for me than for the ones I was falling for.

Maybe this man I've met and fallen deeply for, is the one.

New Slate

I really don't know what to say right now, avid readers. A lot of crap has happened in the past weekend. It's been stressful here at Belmont. Sides have been chosen, whether people want to admit it or not. They chose to be comfortable instead of standing for what's right. I didn't think this stuff happened in COLLEGE. I was naive to think people were actually adults when they moved to college. I thought people wouldn't be petty anymore and wouldn't start stuff and hurt people unneccessarily. I didn't think I'd be sitting here, blogging, while asking God what I can do because my roommate and dear friend is so upset she's sick. And it's all thanks to people's actions.
I'm strong enough to handle it. Fine, turn your back. I've had it happen to me before and I have Jesus. He's one Friend who will never leave me. He's MY backbone, my Rock, my Strength. I have Him and I'm never letting go. I was raised to be strong. When I went through this kind of stuff I said 'screw you all. I don't need you.' and I took the high road and found others who loved me and encouraged me and were actually there for me when they knew I was being unjustly treated. They didn't turn their backs on me and think of themselves. No. They knew what was right and what was wrong and were strong enough to turn their backs on what they KNEW was wrong and supported the right.
I don't find that kind of attitude here. I thought people were different down here. I thought they were loyal, trustworthy. I'm contemplating cutting attachments.
So here's what I'm going to do: those who I deem okay (I may not be able to lean on them for loyalty), those who I've known since I got here will stay my 'friends'. I put friends in quotations because I haven't found true strong friendships yet. I didn't expect to, I just started. Back to what I was saying. Those who I just started to get to know, I have to leave. It's time for me to say goodbye. Those who know, know what and whom I'm talking about. If not, well, then we weren't that close so they don't need to worry. I'm gone. Consider me cut. I'm letting go.
Maybe there will be a time when we can all get together again, when we can actually put petty differences society instills in us aside and take the higher road and act the way Jesus wants us to act. Until then, I will go and I will search for true, Christian, loyal friends. The only place I can go to make these friends is where I found the man I am falling for.



Church.

Trust

Today's turning out to be a good day. I decided, though, to go away from my homework (easy as pie) and do some blogging a bit.
I was able to see and talk to my guy, finally!! After like 2 weeks of being back from Christmas I was able to talk to him. I'm so happy. He slept in, he said, and couldnt get to church because he was up late working on a science project. He went on to tell me about the molecular project he was working on and it was really interesting! As he spoke, his eyes sparkled and he had such a boyish grin slopped on his face, I know he loves what he does. It's a lot of work and dedication but he loves it. Now I don't encourage the missing of church, but God's doing something great in his life and as long as he has a few moments with God, i don't think it'll be counted against him lol. I'm happy about where this is going. A lot of my friends are pressuring me to tell him that i like him and each time I decline that idea. The reason is that I honestly think the only reason why he's swearing off girls is because he's been hurt by one or maybe even a few. Maybe he's wanting to get to where he wants to be first career-wise and then he'll look or maybe he just doesnt want to deal with women because they are a handful and an unnecessary stress. I know im bashing my own gender, but it's the truth! He's so laid back and focused, i really don't think he wants a girl who's wondering why he hasn't called her at exactly 9pm. Ya know what I mean?
Yes, I like him. I like him very much. He's what I've looked for and never have found in other guys. You can see why i'm hesitant about telling him how i feel.
First of all, I've only known him a few months and within that few months we haven't had heart to heart conversations yet. Why would I tell him I like him when I'm not sure he feels the same way? Also, like I said before, he's the first guy i've actually felt there's nothing else out there for me. There's just him. Because of this feeling, I've been praying about him, my feelings, the situation in which i was put in to God practically every night and whenever I think about him (which is often). I'm quite fine with where God's put me. I'm not rushing anything. I've learned that when I rush something, I get in trouble. Though my friends urge me to get on the ball and tell him already, my stomach isn't in knots and I don't feel conflict at all. I'm totally at peace with the situation. Sure there are times my mind thinks nothing is going to happen, but my heart and soul tell me otherwise.
I'm going to get more involved so he can start to see me for me. Right now, he's only seen me on a few occassions. He seems interested because he asked me to hang out with him and the others right before Christmas break. Ya'll remember that? Yea ya do.
I know my friends want me to be happy and want me to FINALLY find someone but if i'm the one in control, how far could i possibly go? Wouldn't it be so much better to allow God, the one who's in charge of everything and knows everything waaay before it happens, to control this situation and my life?
The latter seems pretty darn good to me.



So I wait.