That's big!

After convo, martha went to class (her later class got cancelled because of the light snow but not her early class? what?) and lauren and i went to the caf. We were both STARVING so we got our sandwhiches, peas, carrots, I had corn too, and bananas and went to sit in a booth. We started talking about everything under the sun practically and then I began talking about him. Obviously. Lauren asked about how he was and how that whole situation is going. I told her something that's been in the back of my mind and, until Sunday night, I had only told Ash.

"When you've been with a guy, have you ever felt like there has to be something more? That this guy you're with can't be the one. There has to be something better?"

Lauren nodded her head and was like "yea, totally. I always think that."

I swallowed.

I said, "Well, when I'm with him, I can't see myself with anyone else."

Her eyes got all big and she nodded her head with a smile on her face and said, "Amanda...that's big."

"I know! Which is why it scares me! Like, what if nothing happens between us or anything and what if nothing becomes of this and it's all one way, then what?"

We figured if it's going to be, it will be. I said "I know my heart well enough that it wouldn't feel like that if there wasn't something to be gained from this. Like, my heart isn't like that. My mind is, but not my heart."

Even if something did come from me liking him, the thought of him being like the one kinda scares me. There's like this 'defining moment' when we get together that he's what i was searching for, for the past, I don't know 3 or 4 years? I know it's not a long time but seriously, I can't see myself with anyone else. I had crushes before but I wanted something more. I know i mentioned this in one of my older posts but now i'm harping on it.

My mom always reassures me, whatever will be, will be. Is he that 'be'?

In a way, I'm happy. I'm happy that I probably won't hurt anymore, that I've finally found someone. Maybe he isn't mine just yet but there are so many signs that he is, it's not even funny. The only thing I'm wary about is that my journey is over. It's like running to the finish line. The tape is in sight but it's kind of bittersweet because, it's over. The toil, sweat, tears, heartbreak, heart bruising, is over. Not to say I had a joy in that but knowing all that stuff will go away...I don't know, it sort of feels like I'm losing a part of myself, a part of my past. I know the past doesn't define you, that you can make your future better no matter what, but that's what defined me. I was a self-wounding soul. No, I didn't cut or anything like that. EW! but i did put myself in situations where I liked a guy when I knew nothing could or would come out of it. But I did it anyway because without liking a guy, I felt normal. I wanted the butterflies, I wanted someone to talk about with my friends. I wanted someone to admire and want. However, I don't get butterflies, whenever I talk about him to my friends they want me to ask him out, and I truly do want him but not in the sense of "oh my gosh! I have to have you" like he's a new toy or something. I'm trusting the Lord and because of that, I know He has already worked it out and knows what will become of me and him. Because of this reassurance I can live life and not read so much into things. However, when the 'coincidences' happen, it's hard not to notice them. But, I don't think the 'coincidences' are coincidences anymore...

I think it's that woman's intuition thing that I sorta believed in but now I'm completely convinced. I'm trusting in God to see me through this and there isn't a day goes by that i'm not thinking about him. I then go and pray for him, for his studies, and for this situation. God knows the desires of my heart and I feel like, finally, i've found the guy God was talking about giving me. He told me a long time ago to hang in there, that He had a better guy for me than for the ones I was falling for.

Maybe this man I've met and fallen deeply for, is the one.