Christmas 2

I suppose every title for my blog will be titled Christmas. I don't know what it is about this year that's so different. I'm away from home, like I've already expressed, and am missing the decorating and such but I feel so happy in spite of that. Finals are next week and you'd think I would be stressing, but, truthfully, I'm not.

I have my headphones in and have my computer tuned to NOW 97.5 philly which is solely Christmas music, one right after the other. I'm in such a great mood. Forget the unanticipated cold. It's a glorious gloomy day in good ol' Nashville. Christmas is in like what? 3 weeks? I'm so stoked!

Every week or so, I try to write a new Bible verse on our mirror, just to remind the girls, even if tests and stuff have them bogged down, Jesus is still with them. Sort of like a weekly encouragement thing they can wake up to every morning. So, this week, and the rest of the time we're in college before Christmas I'm going to write Christmas inspired verses. This week's verse is appropriately taken from Isaiah 9:6.

"For to us a Child is born, to us a Son is given, and the government will be placed on His shoulders. And He will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace."

Just writing that verse gives me chills! That simple verse has so much power and hope it's wonderful! This verse immediately put me in a great mood. Now, I have Christmas music. Before I wrote the verse I was a bit perplexed...

For those of you who don't know (aka my blog readers) there was this guy I met my first day of classes. His name is, well let's call him boy and he was in my English class. Well, after class he walked me to my dorm and asked if I wanted to get together with him. Now, at this point I didn't really know the HIM (the guy I like now) , so I didn't have feelings for him at all. So, boy and I exchanged numbers and went out for a drink at the cafe'. We talked a lot, got to know one another a bit better, and that was it. That night, he text me saying he was transfering out of my English class for another class that was more suitable to his time. After that, I never saw him on campus EVER. We text but when you don't have that human connection you sort of drift apart.

There's the background. Now, here's more recent events. He just text me last night and asked to get together for coffee. Mind you, I haven't text him or talked to him for like two months! He text me to wish me a good Thanksgiving but that was it. I am kinda curious as to why I don't see him on campus anymore, but as far as trying to start something again, I just don't think that's gonna be possible. I like HIM way too much to consider another guy. Boy is sweet and all but I think we can just be friends. I'm afraid I'm going to lead him on and then hurt him. I've been hurt before and I've been led on and it's just not cool. Believe me, even if you aren't really attached to the guy/girl, it still hurts terribly. I don't want to lead him on because I don't want to be that sort of person. I mean, I do like him, just not like I like HIM. Why must my life be so complex? Boy and I are going to have coffee Saturday at like 4:30...pray I don't do anything to mislead him with my beauty hahaha.

On a serious, light-hearted, wonderful, note.

My friends and I are going to Opryland to see the gorgeous Christmas displays they have. My one friend's dad worked in the Opryland hotel, so she knows the ins and outs of the Christmas decorations haha. Should be fun. I'm so stoked...such a northerner. haha. And then on Sunday, ash and I are going to go caroling. Hopefully HE will come along. How lovely would that be? Oh I'm excited!

Okay, ya'll. I have essays to write and math homework to do. Also, I have a feature article to write so I better get cracking on that. Have a great day, everybody!




"In the air there's a feeling of Christmas"

Christmas...

Christmas. Just the word sends shivers of excitement down my spine! I can't wait to go home and bake cookies, sing Christmas carols, put up the tree, and, again, be in wonderment about the greatest gift God gave us. This Christmas is different because 1) I'm not home to help decorate (though my family better leave the tree alone, in its box, until I'm home to help decorate it) and 2) it's my first Christmas where I'm an actual adult. YIKES!
you know, it's so weird calling myself an adult. Is there some sort of change that takes place as soon as you turn 18? What defines an adult from a kid? I still feel like a kid, a teenager. I guess in some sense i am because i am eight-TEEN. But, here i am, in college making my own life, but I'm still supposed to (and feel i must) go back home and perhaps salvage what childhood memories still remain within me...
Back to how much i love Christmas! haha. I made a list for my parents before i left for college after thanksgiving. sure, it's a bit early but I'm not wasting money on postage stamps to mail out a Christmas list so i made one before i left. The list is very short. I really just want the music, movies, and a new Bible. However, what i really want can't be wrapped in a box. I want the man I've liked ever since i laid eyes on him in august. Now, i know what you're thinking. "August? That's too short a time. And of course you'll want him. It's Christmas--a season of peace and LOVE." Though i do concur with the former statement, yes it has been a short while, I'm not wanting him just because it's Christmas. There's something different about him, about the whole event of liking him. For the first time in my life, i have been totally comfortable around him. I feel relaxed and at ease when I'm around him. I don't feel as if i have to prove myself or make myself a certain way. There's gotta be some meaning to that. I was always shy, but with him i can totally be me without fear of him not liking me.
Maybe it's my confidence level. But, i know in my heart there's gotta be something more to this. I just don't hang around guys or hang on to guys like other girls. I pick and choose the ones I'm interested in and slowly go after them, timidly slow. But with him, i can't really see me with anyone else. I try but I can't. sure, I comment on how cute a random guy is, who doesn't? But as far as seeing myself with anyone else, or liking anyone else, i think he's it. I think if nothing became of us I would have to move to a different country! He's just so indescribably honest and thoughtful and self-sacrificing. He loves Jesus with all his heart and you can just see it! I really don't think I would ever think I deserve him. I don't deserve half the things I have but I have them anyway. Maybe he could be the same.
I've prayed about the situation almost every night. I go to bed thinking about him. Yes, I'm pouring out my heart right now. There's just so much I can't express. I really can't define what this is. I've tried to use the word love but that's not it. Not yet. It's more along the lines of adoration and affection towards him.
Yes, I've made a list but what are materials? Where will materials get you? Besides getting the new Bible, I could care less if I truly got anything else. I've never wanted anyone like this in my life. It's scary but exciting. This Christmas, I want something that can't be put in a box.

What I really want is him.

I'm coming home

Yes, I haven't posted anything on here in a while. However, with Thanksgiving coming up I have nothing better to do than to blog because my jazz class was canceled and I basically have no homework to do except for a speech for my journalism class, read for seminar and jazz class (yes, i have to READ about dance. oy) and that's basically it. So, as people are packing their bags to head home to tackle the week we have off for Thanksgiving, I will sit here, packed and ready to fly out for Jersey at 7:30pm, and blog.



I've had Home by Michael Buble' stuck in my head recently and thought it was such a great song to have stuck in my head around this time. I'm anxious to go home. Mind you, I'm not homesick. I was only homesick for like less than an hour in October. But, with the holidays coming around a country girl aches for the woodstove and the couch with her two cats sitting beside her. She aches for the conversations she has with her brothers while standing around the island in the kitchen. She just wants the comfort of her mom's cooking and her dad's endless laughter at the Seinfeld episodes he watches again and again because they're so dag gone funny. This, I miss. Michael Buble' expresses the comfort home brings and while Thanksgiving and Christmas are looming, everybody, home body or not, wants the safety and warmth home brings.



I'm so happy to be going home tonight. Maybe I'll blog a bit when I am home and post some pictures up here because, yes, I will be taking lots of pictures. We're going to Lancaster for Thanksgiving (don't get me started. I don't think it's a good idea at all) and pictures will be taken. Alrighty, welp I suppose I'll do my speech or something so I don't have to do it at home.

love sick

Have you ever felt like you were the only single person in the world? Like everyone had a crush or a boyfriend or a fiancee or a husband except you? Well, today was one of those days. I woke up so dag gone tired from this week that all i wanted to do was pull the comforter over my head and sleep the day away. However, with the sun fighting to dance on my carpet instead of my walls and eyes, I rolled out and let the sun win. Besides, with work looming over my head at 4pm til 9pm, i HAD to get something accomplished before i had to wait on customers at the ever-joyous cvs counter...sarcasm intended ;]...

Wellll....I hardly accomplished anything, mostly because i was so wiped out! I had a huge essay due yesterday for AP English and i was up until 1am that morning finishing it, knowing i had to be up again in 5 1/2 hours. ah well, it got done. then a huge spanish test and after that NHS induction practice and finally (yes, finally) softball practice. Worked my tail off, because i needed the batting practice.

So, exhausted and weary i decided not to do anything more than what was absolutely necessary and instead, plopped on the couch to watch, what else? wedding shows. Usually, i'm okay with the wedding shows. They're so fun and you're on the edge of your couch, sofa, recliner, armchair, whatever you want to call your seat, biting your nails, wondering if the wedding planner will get everything done by the time the bride and groom need to see the venue! *takes breath* Oh, the suspense!!!..again, sarcasm ;]...Usually, i'm fine being single and watching other people fulfill their happiness with each other. But not today.

I was texting my friend about this guy she swears i like. We've been talking for almost two years now, this boy and me, and a few months back i wouldve probably said "yes. I do indeed like him! Oh my gosh, he's so cute...blah.blah.blah" but now the few months have ended and i'm sitting here, realizing that i've flip flopped so many times on this boy it's like i was jack-be-nimble and he was the candlestick. I'd jump to the side where it was all lovey dovey and i would flirt [pathetic] but a few weeks later i'd jump to the other side of the stick where it's strictly friendship. It's dawned on me for a few days now that though i've liked guys while talking to him and he's liked girls while talking to me, the funny thing is, he's been a constant in my life guy- wise (potential boyfriend wise). He's always been there to talk or laugh or have a totally abnormal conversation...yes, i think we've had a few conversations that were about NOTHING! That's a friend right? So why am i debating with my heart and mind? Probably because i have a feeling i like him but havent done anything about it because 1) he's not interested in me like that, so why make it awkward? 2) he goes to a different school with probably cooler girls than little ol me and 3) the BIG factor: he's not a christian.

#3 is very important to me. I've wanted to go after him, but i can't...actually #3 and the fact that he's chasing after other girls is probably why i haven't said anything. no not probably i'm dead sure.

I have this curse of making things awkward, especially when i have a feeling everything's fine and he's wondering if i like him just as he likes me...okay, so i imagine he likes me...so when i tell these guys, they get freaked out or suddenly shy, which makes me freak out and ignore them. yea...there's a flaw of mine...so you can now understand my hesitation. my underlying reason: i don't want to screw up what we've been developing over something so...stupid.

they're just feelings i have right? they're nothing. okay, amanda. just think, you'll be out of new jersey so you shouldnt really do anything...stay single.

stay single. seems like that's been my answer for a long time...a very, very long time. just..when will my time come?