The fire

There's been a week-long convocation event called Sex & the Soul. It's basically a week where we explore sexuality and spirituality. The speakers are awesome and the worship afterwards...

All last semester I felt--empty. Truly empty and dry and just struggling with my relationship with the Lord. I got pounded hard and was bombarded with so much stuff. I was getting out of line, falling back into old habits that I despised, ones I didn't want to revisit. While I was struggling, not once did the Lord leave my side. He instilled in me the motivation to pick up my Bible and read His word, even when I just wanted to crawl into bed and forget about all the stuff that I did that day, the Holy Spirit worked in my heart and would not let me sleep unless I opened the Word and got fed.

I've been in valleys before, dry spells, and it's just really difficult. You begin to question things you know are solid and are backed up with the Word. I began to wonder if I really was a Christian. Was it all a facade? Was it all just a game? Something that gets us through day after day? Maybe if we had a hope, it would make days seem "easier"? I didn't have questions about whether Jesus was real. I knew He was real. But the whole Christian walk was difficult for me to walk those few months. I wanted to give up. I wanted to cash my coins in. I thought I was defeated.

Jesus thought otherwise. And I give Him all the praise for answering those questions and putting peace in my heart. I was running and got winded; I got a spiritual cramp. A cramp so bad I was on my knees and trying to throw in the towel. But the Lord in all His goodness, was on the sidelines, cheering me on. He was begging for me to get up and shake the cramp out. He encouraged me and told me better things were in store if I would only GET UP.

This week has been the stretch for my cramp. I've lifted my arms and stretched my hands to Him. He lifted me up and struck the match again. The fire is burning bright again! I feel rejuvinated and revived! I feel like myself again, praise the LORD!!!!

Now onto my next two topics: just a little update...

Ireland. I am not going. Scholarships are minimum and without them, I couldn't go. Even with the scholarships, I would be $759 short and that doesn't factor in the "personal expenses" of $600 they claim I need for two weeks (say what?!.) Yea I know. Talked to my mom about it and she said it was a very mature decision for me to make. I said I would save my money and every paycheck I got from here on out, a little would be put aside for Europe in general. She made me feel better (like always) because it was looming over my head and it was just one of those decisions I had to share with her. Even when I was praying for the trip, that God would provide, there was something telling me I wasn't going. In my stubbornness I didn't possibly think God could say no to such a great opportunity. His thoughts and ways are higher, yes? Yes. I could pray all I want but deep down I knew He didn't want me to go. Well, not that He didn't want me to go but that it wasn't His time for me to enjoy the beauty that is Ireland. And let's face it, I don't want to go if He's not there. He's everywhere, I know. But, it's different when it's His ultimate will. I know what that feels like, to be in the center of His will because I was in it over the summer. Was it easy? Heck no. But it was what He wanted me to do and that's what ultimately kept me going. It was because He knew the lives He would be able to touch through me and it worked out!

Now though, is not the time for me to go. There's something grand planned for summer '10 I know. Whenever He says no to what we want, He was bigger things in store. Amen? Amen.

Onto this...husband business. You know how I was really hesitant about this whole thing? Check out two posts from this one. You'll see what I'm sayin'. Well, I talked to Jesus last night and while I was praying, the guy's face kept getting stronger and stronger and I stopped praying. I said, "Lord, You can't be doing this to me. I just got done liking this other guy. I don't want to like this guy so quickly! You have to stop this." I was pleading and then something told me I was getting out of control. I offered up my hands, took all the thoughts of the guy out of my head and gave him back to God. He's not mine yet and before he's mine, he's firstly and foremost God's. He belongs to God and he's just a gift to me. I needed to realize that last night. Over-thinking took over my head yesterday and that wasn't healthy and I knew it. Therefore, I gave him and the idea of him back to God. The Lord has everything covered. Whatever He deems necessary will happen. His will be done.

Well, I think that's it. A semi-long post but so many wonderful things are happening and I want to keep y'all updated as much as possible. Thanks so much for tapping into my life and reading my daily ramblings and sometimes unorganized and helter-skelter thoughts. It can't be easy, I know.

I love you, readers. Each and every God-given one of ya's.