A musing while going up

I walked back to TK by myself after a fun dinner with Martha, Ash and Anna because they all have night classes. With my coffee in hand, I walked in the cold street, my coat tightly buttoned and zipped. With the city lights, the clouds look like a pinkish orange. There's serenity in those colors as you look around and other parts of the sky is pure black. There's a comfort in that. It's the Belmont bubble.

As I walked, I mused a bit about my life. My love life in particular (which is nonexistent by the way). You all know my past, my rather dull past but my past nonetheless. I've liked a few guys but none who've really floored me. Well, except one but there's no use musing about that one. He's grown. He's gone. I must move on and have but sometimes his name pops up into my mind and I stop doing what I'm doing and think to the past and then the present and wonder what he's doing. But I only do this once in a blue moon.

As I was going through the lobby, I knew the guy I've thought I liked was working. I knew and yet I didn't send a warm greeting. As I pressed the elevator button and the annoying bell dinged, opening the silver doors, I stepped in and glanced at his face as the doors closed, separating us for the rest of the evening. A thought appeared. One simple word. You'd think it would make me upset and wonder "Why God why?" But there's a comfort in this word. I accept it with open arms.

No.

Two letters followed by a period. I shrugged my shoulders as the silver doors opened to the fifth floor and I shook my head. No way. Never. He's not it. How do I know this for sure?

I just know. He's just nice to look at. Nothing more. Nothing less. He's not mean, crude, self-centered. He's a great guy but not the one for me. This I know. Remember back in August there was that woman's intuition thing I talked about? Well that same intuition is telling me it's not there. There's no connection. My heart is not pulled towards him. There's no want or desire to exert myself so he notices me or gives me a simple thing like a smile.

As I've gotten older, I've noticed I am done with trying to like a guy, chase after him, get my heart shaken up, and move on to another one. It's exhausting. Why should I exert myself when none of the fish are biting? I shall be a patient fisherwoman, go on my merry life and as everyone has been telling me lately "he'll come when you least expect it." I'm not expecting him anytime soon. My schedule is filled! I don't know if I'd be able to deal with a relationship on top of me working to become a better Christian and do the will God has for me. If the will involves a man, that's fine. He just needs to be cool with me not spending every waking minute with him.

Well, there's my little schpeal of what I'm up to. I don't like a guy. I don't see myself liking a guy anytime soon. Developments, if any, will be shared. Just don't hold your breath.