Confidence

I want to step away from the mundane task of writing about the schoolwork that seems to pile up with each passing day. I want to talk about spirituality and what God has been doing in my life, showing me all sorts of awesome things.

I read my Bible every day and last night. I'm currently in the process of reading all of Paul's letters and Revelation. I'm in Hebrews right now and a verse that would usually be read over, really struck me last night.

"We have come to share in

Christ if we hold firmly till the end the

confidence we had at first."

Hebrews 3:14

Before I get into that, let me fast forward to this morning. I was washing my face, getting ready to spend some quiet time with the Lord before breakfast like I always do. 1 Chronicles popped into my head. I felt like I needed to read that book today. I thought, "Why would I have to read 1 Chronicles? Nothing of importance pertaining to my life is in there." However, I kept it in the back of my mind, thinking, if it had any relevance to today, I would read it. And off I went to the bell tower.

Back to why I started this post to begin with...

The last phrase of that verse really struck me last night. "...the confidence we had at first." This got me thinking about the past and now where I am with Christ.

Freshman year of high school I really started to get serious about my faith. I had accepted Jesus when I was six years old, but never really did anything with it. I didn't grow; I didn't fall back. I stunted my growth and ignored the potential God wanted for me. So, my freshman year I decided to be serious. I began reading my Bible, praying throughout the day and especially night. Junior year, my spiritual confidence went through a boost. The end of October 2007 God told me I was going to be a journalist, completely destroying my aspirations, replacing them with what He wanted me to do with my life. His thoughts are higher. It was hard to accept, tell my parents, but He held my hand through all of it. I was able to stand my ground when my parents dealt out very hard questions. I didn't know much but what I did know, I held on fast and prayed it rang true.

God made it all work out by providing an excellent college for me to go to and new friends. My awe in the Lord was just mind-blowing. As I was working my freshman college year out, I would ask if this was truly what I needed to do. Did I truly miss the mark? God, I think, chuckled a little bit as He sent confirmation after confirmation that writing and reporting was what I needed to do. I was content. I was confident. I was happy.

The first half of my sophomore college year is almost over. As internships and jobs are discussed, I feel swamped. Lately, I've been asking some hard questions and not really getting any answers. I don't know where I'm supposed to work. I don't know where I'm living after college. I don't know how I'm going to pay off this astronomical tuition I'm accumulating by being at Belmont. I dont know. I don't know. I don't know! Before my quiet time today with the Lord, before He showed me that verse, I was asking a lot of questions. The one main question I have though, is directed at me: Where is that confidence I had at first? That confidence that seemed to fuel every word that I wrote, drove every interview to the point where there was information begging to be published?

I think I get a little taste of God's will and I run with it. Literally, I run. Where do I run? I typically run away from the rest of God's will. He begins to say, "Okay, I want you to do this and..." I hear the 'this' and I say, "Oh, okay, God. I got it. Let's go!" To which He shakes His head. I go run off, start working really hard, but then I get burned out and then the insecurity seeps in and I start to question. I start to wonder if I'm supposed to do what I'm doing. He then shows me a verse like that. Where's the confidence I had before I began His will?

 God did not give us a spirit of timidity,

but a spirit of power, of love

and of self-discipline.

2 Timothy 1:7

I had so many questions running through my mind. I was uncertain of God. That's such a crazy thing, to be uncertain of God. He's so powerful, so big. He's got everything under control. But for some odd reason, I tend to think He doesn't. I forget He actually MADE the earth I live on and everything in it. I forget He planned me before I even knew it.

I need the confidence I had when I first got to Belmont. Not really knowing what the rest of God's plan was but working with what I had at the present.

"Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.

Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Matthew 6: 34

Remember the whole Chronicles thing? Well as I was writing in my journal about this same subject, the word 'seek' popped into my head so I went to my Bible's concordance and looked up a verse. My eye came to a verse and I turned to the passage: 1 Chronicles! Here's the verse:

"For the Lord searches every

heart and understands every motive behind

the thoughts. If you seek Him, He will

be found by you.

1 Chronicles 28:9

Isn't that the weirdest thing? Continuing...

I'll be confident in the Lord, then. I'll have that confidence I had when I first accepted Jesus, when I first found out about God's will for my life. I think if I lived with that confidence, I'd be able to accomplish more and grow more with Christ. Worrying stunts the growth so I will cast off that worry and run towards the goal God has for me.